Beware, for I am Fearless ...

Today I was moving an old vanity that had been in our daughter’s room when she was younger. When I began taking out the drawers to make the move easier, I found a folded piece of paper. Written on it in bold black marker was a quote from Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein: “Beware, for I am fearless, and therefore, powerful.” Apparently, this quote had struck a note with our middle-school-aged daughter, who may have been feeling anything but powerful in those emotionally turbulent years.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be brave. I suppose some people would equate “fearless” and “brave.” But I have come to learn that being brave doesn’t mean being without fear. Rather, it means not letting fear control your choices. Dave once told me that he admired my bravery. I told him I didn’t think I was very brave, because sometimes I was afraid to do something--I just did it anyway. He said, “That’s what makes you brave. If you weren’t afraid, you wouldn’t need to be brave.”

One day while driving, I was thinking about what makes us brave. I immediately thought about a scene in the beginning of the movie “Dances with Wolves.” Lt. John J. Dunbar has been injured and a doctor is getting ready to amputate his leg. While the doctor’s back is turned, he slips away, finds a horse and begins to ride into the face of the enemy. His fellow soldiers are awed by this “fearless” man. But he is not fearless. He is suicidal. He would rather die there on the battlefield than face a life of disability. He has nothing to lose. In his own comments, Dunbar remarks on the irony of this situation: “The strangeness of this life cannot be measured; in trying to produce my own death, I was elevated to the status of a living hero.” 

So does “having nothing to lose” make you brave? I could make a case for that. Ultimately, as believers in Jesus, we have nothing to lose. “So we are always confident, even though we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then, we will be at home with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5: 6-8.

We have an assurance that life is eternal, and home waiting. When our daughter went to camp for the very first time, she said she would lie on her bunk bed in the dark and stare at the crack of light under the door until she went to sleep. Life is kind of like that. We see just a little bit of God’s glory, like a crack of light under a door, that brings us comfort in the dark times. Sometimes situations--like suffering and grief--push that door open a little bit wider, and the light shines brighter, revealing to us the glory waiting on the other side. We know one day that door will open fully, and we will be home.

Until then, we fear. And, by necessity, we are brave. Living takes a certain amount of bravery.  As Tolkien’s Bilbo Baggins of the Lord of the Rings said it: “It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.” 

Most of us feel we have a lot to lose. We don’t want to ride into the face of the enemy. We want to live and live well, while the days are long. So, we trust in the one who is perfectly faithful, completely good and loving, able and willing to give us the courage we need for every situation.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord

and have made the Lord their hope and

confidence.

They are like trees planted along a 

riverbank,

with roots that reach deep into the water.

Such trees are not bothered by

the heat

or worried by long months of drought.

Their leaves stay green,

And they never stop producing fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8

Personally, I would rewrite this Mary Shelley's quote: “Behold, for I am fearful, but trusting in the Lord, and therefore, powerful.” 

I Fix My Eyes on Jesus

I Fix My Eyes on Jesus .....

Pastor Juan and his wife, Veronica, at their home in Muzquiz

On a recent trip to Mexico, I heard a simple, yet moving message that I will always remember. In a small church in the town of Muzquiz, Coahuila, pastor Juan Antonio stood in front of his church "El Gran Commision" (The Great Commission) and encouraged the congregation to be "overcomers," to have victory in this life, with confidence and assurance of the life to come. This is a pretty commonplace message, but the poignancy lay in the the knowledge that this pastor, in his mid 40s, is dying. Severe diabetes has left him with end-stage kidney failure, and in the past two years, he has gone almost completely blind from glaucoma.

Yet on this night, New Year's Eve, 2013, he stood before his "family," a little wobbly and seeing them as only shadows, and encouraged them to persevere, admitting that he himself might not be there to celebrate the next New Year's with them. Our American translator was in tears as she repeated his message for our benefit. 

After the message, Pastor Juan, humble and broken, but trusting God for the final chapter, lead the congregation in lifting their hands in worship. The Holy Spirit was present in a profound way, and many people were moved to tears by this beautiful picture of vulnerability and strength. 

For Better or for Worse:

Thinking about that night brings to mind some very familiar words: " ...for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, faithful only to him ...." The words repeated in a traditional wedding ceremony are covenant words. Words  that represent a promise between two people before God. But these words can also apply to our relationship with Jesus, our steadfast determination to commit ourselves for a lifetime to be faithful to him, no matter what the circumstances.

Most people enter into a marriage covenant without really thinking too much about the "worse." When I was undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, Dave remarked that  you don't really think about days like this when you are getting married. No one really plans for cancer or other trials. They just happen. Yet in the midst of that happening, God links his arm in ours and walks with us, like a father walking his beloved child down the aisle, till we reach that place of ultimate joy and relationship.

Pastor Juan is a little farther down that aisle today, and his inner eyes are firmly fixed on what lies ahead. That doesn't mean there aren't difficult days ahead--he spoke honestly about dark nights of crying out to God for mercy, asking God for more time to see his children (ages 15 and 12) grow up, wanting to see the trees he had planted in his yard grow tall. He faces that terrible tension that Paul wrote about: wanting to live, yet wanting to die.

"For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live." Philippians 1: 21-24

This inspires me to keep a steady pace moving forward and not dwelling on the past. Looking ahead to a new year, I remember a not so good last year, but understand on a new level what it means when God says, "this is for my glory."

Making New Friends/Visiting Old Friends:

On December 26, exactly one year to the day after receiving my cancer diagnosis, I left for a one-week mission trip to Mexico. Our group of 28 traveled to the city of Muzquiz in Coahuila, Mexico, about 90 miles south of Eagle Pass, Texas. We worked primarily with children in two impoverished neighborhoods where drugs, alcohol and prostitution are the norm. This is a ministry that Pastor Juan and his wife,Veronica, have established along with Christ the Rock church of Appleton, WI.

In Morelos with Marta's family

A small group of us also visited the tiny village of Morelos, right outside the Kickapoo village. This is the village we visited several times with our Native Ministry School.  This past August we heard that our friend, Marta, who hosted many of us over the years, had passed away. We visited with her family, drank coffee, ate tamales at that familiar kitchen table, shared photographs, tears and prayers, as we remembered a truly remarkable woman of God. 

This coming year, Dave and I hope to fly down to Mexico, visit with Pastor Juan and his family, and visit Morelos. Perhaps God will open doors for us to reconnect in some way with the Kickapoo once again. Several of our former students still have a heart to return to the village.

"You do not HAVE a soul. You ARE a soul. You have a body." C.S. Lewis